Friday, March 27, 2009

Handbag Fight At The OK Dam

Riding towards work yesterday morning at ridiculous o'clock in the taxi kindly paid for by all the generous tax payers of this country (thank you, generous tax payers), I told Tony-the-Taxi about the scheduled duel (click the link to see the challenge on video) between yours truly and Dong Dastardly of Millbrook.

He simply asked "why?". I told him that nobody goes to their deathbed wishing they'd done less in life; I'd never fought a duel and it would be one of those (probably) once in a lifetime experiences. The ever wise Tony-the-Taxi suggested that perhaps some people went to their deathbeds wishing they'd not done that one thing which made them get out of bed stupidly early on a rest day. Hmm - perhaps he has a point.

Anyway - the alarm alarmed Mrs The Millbrooker and me at five thirty this morning and we got ourselves dressed and out of the door to meet with destiny and Dong Dastardly.

Must be said - the dawn over Millbrook Lake was lovely as I strode with purposeful step toward the forthcoming titanic struggle against the forces of evil incarnate. Or Dong, as he likes to be known.'Ere long I espied the Dastardly One upon the appointed hour facing us across the dam.Verily he had come prepared for a handbag duel to the very death, his much vaunted Brazilian Battle Handbag from Ebay had the special feature of an AK47 attachment. Ha! I thought - "More dastardly wickedness! I shall put an end to such shennanigans with my trusty soft-spiked handbag" (which I expected to be kindly supplied by Shazzerooneypoos).
In short order, the seconds and the lady whose honour had been impugned (or something) arrived. My trusty second The Dame Shazzerooneypoos displayed a large selection of handbags from which Dong Dastardly and I could select our weapons. Unfortunately she also moved about quite quickly, in the manner that exceedingly tiny folk do, and is therefore distinctly out of focus.I chose the spiky little number that I guessed would be present; Dong chose a delightful little Indian shoulder bag with attractive mirrored embroidery and, a tad reluctantly, handed over his Brazilian Battle Handbag and automatic assault weaponry.
Dong's second, The Sump, did the introductions: "Dong, this is Dawn. Dawn, this is Dong" on the basis that it's a well known fact that Dong Dastardly didn't know before today that there are two six o'clocks in the day. As we stood awaiting instructions from the seconds on how to proceed, Dong showed a slightly less dastardly side; a half bottle of brandy was conjured from the deep recesses of his coat and, as gentlemen should before a meeting with fate, we drank a deep draught each (at 6 in the morning).Soon we were back-to-back, ready to take six paces each before turning and battle commencing. Proceedings suffered a slight delay as an early morning dog walker pootled bemusedly past two middle-aged blokes in Czech commissar's hats holding handbags and standing back-to-back; I'm sure she'll get over it given sufficient time in the Millbrook Home For The Bewildered.
From here - I'd best let the pictures tell the story of the epic battle that ensued as The Millbrooker and Dong Dastardly stood up for the honour of "Duena" or "Elle" Sumpetta (who was standing to one side filming the whole thing - once I get a copy I'll post it here, don't fret). [Later note - The Sump passed me a copy of the video but I can't get it to upload, so not many readers of this nonsense have seen it - ah, well].
Many blows were struck by either side and honour was duly satisfied as the seconds stepped in and an honourable draw was agreed upon. Dong Dastardly and I shook hands as gentlemen and friends before deciding that the best course of action was to chuck La Sumpetta into the lake to prevent any further silly discussion of Italianate titles which might result in getting up ridiculously early in order to bash each other with handbags. However, La Sumpetta told us to "bugger off"... we decided just to head back to her place where The Sump and she had prepped up a smashing feast of a breakfast for the brave duellists and their companions. A very big thank you goes to The Sump and La Sumpetta for their culinary efforts at such an ungodly hour. And people say that nothing ever happens in Millbrook...

1 comment:

lucy lowe said...

All I can ask is, what on earth is "myfathertheb*stard" up to NOW?
Lucy Elusive Lowe